If so, today is your lucky day, for I, Kaleb Withers, author of such self help books as "101 Reasons Not To Jump Off That Bridge", "Credit Cards Can Be Your Friend" and "There Is No Problem That Can't Be Solved By Sending Me Ridiculous Sums Of Money", have the solution.
By following these Nine Simple Steps to becoming cool, you could soon be 'chilling' amongst the cool 'peep gang nigga' folk of 'easy-street' in 'da crib' with a surplus of 'bitches and hoes'.
Step 1: The look. 99% of being cool is about how you look. Basically, you want a cool outfit, without being generic or boring, but also without being too flashy. Hoodies, sneakers and a moderate proportion of 'bling' are most definitely cool. See step 2 for tips on "safety conscious, responsible bling-age". Low riding pants are usually an important feature and should be complimented by high riding underpants. It is important to remember that your underpants are 'on display', so be conscious of their style and any writing that may or may not be present. All coolness achieved by displaying your underpants can be undone if you make the mistake of wearing y-fronts or silk boxer shorts with floral patterns on them. This is extremely uncool.
Step 2: Bling. The street definition of 'bling' describes it as an aesthetic display consisting of shiny trinkets and stolen jewelery. There are three primary dangers to avoid when wearing 'bling'. Danger number 1: Too much 'bling', as this can result in serious long-term spinal injuries. Danger number 2: Over-polished 'bling', as this can result in retinal burning and potentially cause blindness if exposed over a long period of time. Danger number 3: Cheap, iron or ferrous 'bling', as this can cause you to point to magnetic north, an inhibiting side effect in the event that you want to face any other direction.
Step 3: Stance. Posture is another important factor. To be cool, you must constantly assume a posture advertising complacency or dis-interest. 'The slouch' is a good example. Simply hunch your shoulders and stare at your shoes to accomplish this. Another example is 'The lean'. This can be achieved by resting your shoulder and/or head on a sturdy, immobile structure, such as a lightpost, alley-way wall or stationary vehicle. There are a number of things you should establish before attempting this pose. The first is the stability of the structure, the second being the your distance from the structure. If you start the lean too far away from the structure, you run the risk of severe head injury, or simply falling over and looking like an idiot.
Step 4: The lingo. This aspect of being cool is quite simple, yet is often mis-interpreted or incorrectly applied. Quite simply, the aim is not to distinguish between separate words and to abbreviate wherever possible. Things to avoid include using popular SMS abbreviations or internet abbreviations, as these will invariably result in humiliation and immediately undermine your cool status. A sentence one might employ when encountering another cool person may be; "Yo dawg, I fully dig yo bling-age man. Fo shiz ma nigga, dat stings like yo mommas hot bread from da oven.". Similarly, if you happen to encounter a tense or violent situation, perhaps arguing over the ownership of a 'bitch' or 'hoe', you may consider the following phrase; "Don't ya be gettin all up in ma grill fool, me and ma posse mess you up like I messed up yo momma. Shazaam."
Practice these phrases in front of the mirror before trying it on your friends, or if you have none, your mother. Instant results are guaranteed.
Step 5: The Posse. A Posse is a group of friends who are all slightly less cool than you. They are, in effect, your minions. They carry out menial tasks for you and generally bask in your glorious coolness. The first step to forming a Posse is to find some friends. If you have no friends, ask relatives, cousins, uncles, nephews etcetera. This may seem like a cheap way to form a Posse, though it is important to remember that this is how the Mafia got started.
Step 6: The Crib. A crib is, in short, a base, a hub-point for coolness where you and your Posse hang around amongst a variety of homely touches that may include a built in bar, a variety of 'Hoes' and 'Bitches' and at least one pool table. Preferences vary as to the contents of a crib, though pool tables are an agreed necessity. To find a good Crib the requirements are simple. It must be big enough for your Posse, largely isolated and a discrete distance from your local police station. Keep an eye out for elderly relatives who may soon pass away and stake claims on their real-estate in the event of their death. Keep in mind that there must be sufficient parking space for yours and your Posse's wheels (See Step 7).
Step 7: The Wheels. Your ride is an important factor in defining your coolness. If your Ride is 'fully sick' then you stand a greater chance of winning the respect and affections of potential members of your Posse. The actual functionality of your ride plays a very small role in the degree of its' 'wickedness'. Simply ensure that your ride is as visually and audibly offensive as possible. This is known as 'pimping'. To do this, firstly you must enhance your stereo. The quality of the sound produced matters very little so long as it is unbearably loud and bassy. The style of music you play on the speakers is the second most important function, next to the volume. To be cool you must listen exclusively to rap-metal and hip-hop. Song selection should take into account the use of profanities and the absence of meaning and rhyme. Aesthetically, your ride should have as many external lights as possible in addition to cool novelty stickers such as bullet-hole stickers and offensive slogans. Avoid quirky bumper stickers, such as those saying "Baby on board".
Step 8: Night life. To be cool, every Friday night you must drive around in your pimped up ride past night-clubs, restaurants and other night-spots, driving up next to pedestrians, assessing their level of and "tap"-ability, making indecent proposals and then driving away leaving the pedestrians in a cloud of high octane exhaust. There is little logic behind this activity, though it is, I am assured, the only cool way to spend a Friday night.
Step 9: Money. You do not need money to be cool. In fact, having too much money is considered very uncool. To solve this problem, simply send all your money to this account:
KALEBWITHERSCOOLSCAM
BSB 99999
ACC No. 9999999999999.
Well there you have it, everything you need to be cool. Simply adhere to these 9 rules and you will find yourself abundant in coolness.
Thankyou for your time and money. I'm Kaleb Withers, self help author and scam artist extra-ordinaire.
Keep it real foo.
Very true.
ReplyDelete'The lean' is not for amateurs. Many times as a young 'dawg' I tried 'the lean' on structures that turned out to be 'non-stationary' and ended up less cool than I expected.
The worst are slow moving objects where you become aware of your folly slowly and gradually. Avoid wheely bins, parked cars without the park brake on and barges just to name a few from experience.