When In Doubt, Pinky Out

There is a saying which backdates to the middle of the 18th century in England, when tea was at its most popular there. In the upper class circles of 18th century England, an etiquette around drinking tea had developed which entailed the use of all sorts of weird paraphernalia and required the feminine drinker to abandon the use of her smallest finger (pinky). This abandonment demonstrated her delicate, fragile nature. The saying, "When in doubt, pinky out", came to be a phrase which both educated the lower classes of accepted etiquette and mocked it for it's pretentiousness.


Having grown up without the context in which this phrase belongs, I've developed what now seems a peculiar habit which becomes apparent whenever I'm approached by a difficult situation.

As a side note, 

CAKE = DOUBT.

The appearance of cake without an adequate explanation always seems to result in confusion, mild panic and agitation. 

"Where did the cake come from?"

"Is it for me?"

"Will I like it?"

Cake can cause more problems than the sweetly savoured flavour can account for. Beware.

Trains

Trains. They're big. They're heavy. They have cogs and gears. They make loud noises. They travel really really fast. Is it any wonder that I'm scared of them? I mean, an ordinary passenger train with 3 cars can weigh up to 8 tonnes and travel at 200km/h. At that speed it's packing 1.6GN of force, which is the same amount of force as a person falling from a 2041km high building, which is like falling off the moon. And since it's possible to die from a fall of 10m, a single train at top speed could kill roughly 204,000 people, lined up on the tracks. That's roughly the population of Bolitvia. Imagine the damage that the thousands of trains all around the world could do if everyone in the world decided to have a picnic on some train tracks or took the movie Inception too seriously. Now, a fall of 10m is likely to cause spinal damage, which, on the pain scale, is a 10. So using completely infallable logic and totally correct science and stuff, that is the same as pulling a bandaid off a wound 10 times. So one train has the Potential Pain Energy of 2 million bandaids. That's a lot of bandaids. 

Governments are not blind to this issue. If anything they go a little bit overboard in delivering public safety advertisements in this respect. These are some of my favorite posters

I haven't always been aware of the astronomical damage that trains can cause. Trains used to be adventurous, a great mechanical feat of mankind. Whenever my parents drove parallel to a train on the highway I'd urge them to try and beat it. Travelling faster than a train was an accomplishment worthy of infinite glory. 

Unfortunately the good times were about to come to an end.


My grandparents were in town, which was a reasonably rare occurrence and they, in their infinite wisdom, thought would be funny buy me a big picture-book called 'DISASTERS'. Inside were detailed accounts of man-made tragedies; the Hindenburg, Titanic, The Black Plague, The Tay Bridge Disaster. They were all accompanied by super-dramatic artistic interpretations of the events as they unfolded.

One picture stood out. It was a picture of a burning army supply train which had derailed and caught fire after its brakes failed when going down a hill. 300 German soldiers died horrifically, some burning to death, some dying on impact. Suddenly I was hit with the realisation that trains aren't safe, that they can break down, they can derail, they catch on fire, they can run over people and squish their innards out like a rolled up tube of toothpaste! From that moment on I've been scared of trains. 

Even Thomas wasn't safe from the deceptions of my paranoid 10 year old mind.

And that's why I'm afraid of them. Them and their mysterious "Gap". "Beware the Gap" they say. What's wrong with the gap? What's down there, between the train and the platform, that we need to be afraid of? Are there ghosts? Do evil monkeys wait down there, hoping to snatch an unsuspecting infant or chomp on some careless limb?  What do they do with all those empty chip packets? Do they still have my little matchbox beamer from '97? What will it take for them to give it back?

Regardless, Trains are frightening. You should all stay away from them.

LIES

ly-ing:

-adjective: deliberately untruthful; false, misleading:

ie: I don't know how all that eggplant got under my bed

OR

No, I didn't eat all of the yoghurt in the fridge with no consideration for anyone elses desire to eat yoghurt.

Lying can be a difficult topic for some people. Misleading people can have undesired effects and often tend to the downfall of the "liar". Fortunately for me, I've developed a form of early warning system which acts as a damage control placement in my brain.

This, of course, is balanced out by all those times when I do know what I'm talking about and people don't believe it.

 ... 

Sorry, I'm doing it again. 

5 Reasons Having Big Lungs Is Totally Awesome

Lungs are great. They use miniature little Avioli balloons to absorb Oxygen into the bloodstream via Haemogloben. For Oxygen, it's like jumping into a ball-pit with blood at the bottom of it. Loads of fun.

I happen to have very large lungs. Having been exposed to various lung steroids as a medical response to childhood asthma, my lungs developed and expanded to 150% of the normal expected capacity. At first I was sour, bitter, angry at the doctors. How could they have overlooked the fact that pumping a 12 year old kid with steroids would result in such dire side-effects? Even so, it wasn't long before I began to see the positive side of having freakishly large lungs. 


Here are 5 reasons why having huge lungs is totally awesome.

Large lungs are usually accompanied by a large, menacing chest. With a chest the size of a refrigerator you can get away with pretty much anything. Frightening small children is easy when the Hindenburg is docked in your ribcage. From being clearly visible from space to barging your way through to the lifeboats of a sinking ship, a menacing appearance is an incredibly useful trait.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to discover that Buoys are called Buoys because they are buoyant, not because they look like fat little boys floating in the water. Being buoyant is incredibly useful and could even save your life some day, in the event that you are drowning or recovering underwater buried treasure and being pursued by man-eating sharks. Large lungs provide a general immunity to the schemes of Jafar, the Mafia and tidal waves.

It's common knowledge in most educated circles that the apocalypse will be largely funded by evil, power-mongering robots and that they will attempt to destroy mankind through fumigation, or, in the words of New Zealands second most popular comedy folk duo, by "poisoning our asses". This isn't a problem for those of us who are endowed with a prominent pair of oxygen retention chambers. One deep breath prior to annihilation and the apocalypse becomes a fun filled, comedic look at how futile resistance to the superior robot-beings is.

Cyclones can be really destructive. They tear up trees, destroy homes, aerate soil. In short they're a pain in the infrastructure - that is, for people who don't have awesome, over proportioned lungs. Those that do have large, formidable lungs can feel secure in knowing that they are exempt from the destructive capacity of cyclones, tornadoes, people with vacuum cleaners, gusts of wind, etc...

And that is why having big lungs is totally awesome.


K

BLUFFING

Bluff: –verb (used with object) 

       To mislead by a display of strength, self-confidence, or the like

       eg: He's bluffing, shoot him in the face.

Bluffing is a frequent action undertaken by myself. It is a great way to save face and to cause other people to believe that you are a well rounded, confident person. 

For example:

Unfortunately, though, bluffs usually have a limited time-frame before they are discovered to be a  mere facade. The consequences of these bluffs range from mild to extremely severe.

For example: 

Bluffing is often the result of poor hearing or poor memory. When someone prone to bluffing misses part of a conversation due to poor hearing -

they often pretend to know what people are talking about in order to appear as though they were listening and respond with non-specific, generic answers to questions directed at them.

Bluffing is a risky business, made necessary by the need to appear confident and well rounded around peers. Just remember, next time you lie about your scholastic performance or the current entropic state of your room, your actions could result the collapse of an entire solar system, so be smart about it. Lousy bluffing is a serious issue.

K

How To Be Cool

Do you have trouble being cool? Does 'hip' mean nothing more to you than that area that holds your thighs up? Do you have trouble talking to members of the opposite sex without suffering a cerebral annurism? 

If so, today is your lucky day, for I, Kaleb Withers, author of such self help books as "101 Reasons Not To Jump Off That Bridge", "Credit Cards Can Be Your Friend" and "There Is No Problem That Can't Be Solved By Sending Me Ridiculous Sums Of Money", have the solution. 

By following these Nine Simple Steps to becoming cool, you could soon be 'chilling' amongst the cool 'peep gang nigga' folk of 'easy-street' in 'da crib' with a surplus of 'bitches and hoes'. 

Step 1: The look. 99% of being cool is about how you look. Basically, you want a cool outfit, without being generic or boring, but also without being too flashy. Hoodies, sneakers and a moderate proportion of 'bling' are most definitely cool. See step 2 for tips on "safety conscious, responsible bling-age". Low riding pants are usually an important feature and should be complimented by high riding underpants. It is important to remember that your underpants are 'on display', so be conscious of their style and any writing that may or may not be present. All coolness achieved by displaying your underpants can be undone if you make the mistake of wearing y-fronts or silk boxer shorts with floral patterns on them. This is extremely uncool.

Step 2: Bling. The street definition of 'bling' describes it as an aesthetic display consisting of shiny trinkets and stolen jewelery. There are three primary dangers to avoid when wearing 'bling'. Danger number 1: Too much 'bling', as this can result in serious long-term spinal injuries. Danger number 2: Over-polished 'bling', as this can result in retinal burning and potentially cause blindness if exposed over a long period of time. Danger number 3: Cheap, iron or ferrous 'bling', as this can cause you to point to magnetic north, an inhibiting side effect in the event that you want to face any other direction.

Step 3: Stance. Posture is another important factor. To be cool, you must constantly assume a posture advertising complacency or dis-interest. 'The slouch' is a good example. Simply hunch your shoulders and stare at your shoes to accomplish this. Another example is 'The lean'. This can be achieved by resting your shoulder and/or head on a sturdy, immobile structure, such as a lightpost, alley-way wall or stationary vehicle. There are a number of things you should establish before attempting this pose. The first is the stability of the structure, the second being the your distance from the structure. If you start the lean too far away from the structure, you run the risk of severe head injury, or simply falling over and looking like an idiot. 

Step 4: The lingo. This aspect of being cool is quite simple, yet is often mis-interpreted or incorrectly applied. Quite simply, the aim is not to distinguish between separate words and to abbreviate wherever possible. Things to avoid include using popular SMS abbreviations or internet abbreviations, as these will invariably result in humiliation and immediately undermine your cool status. A sentence one might employ when encountering another cool person may be; "Yo dawg, I fully dig yo bling-age man. Fo shiz ma nigga, dat stings like yo mommas hot bread from da oven.". Similarly, if you happen to encounter a tense or violent situation, perhaps arguing over the ownership of a 'bitch' or 'hoe', you may consider the following phrase; "Don't ya be gettin all up in ma grill fool, me and ma posse mess you up like I messed up yo momma. Shazaam."
Practice these phrases in front of the mirror before trying it on your friends, or if you have none, your mother. Instant results are guaranteed.

Step 5: The Posse. A Posse is a group of friends who are all slightly less cool than you. They are, in effect, your minions. They carry out menial tasks for you and generally bask in your glorious coolness. The first step to forming a Posse is to find some friends. If you have no friends, ask relatives, cousins, uncles, nephews etcetera. This may seem like a cheap way to form a Posse, though it is important to remember that this is how the Mafia got started.

Step 6: The Crib. A crib is, in short, a base, a hub-point for coolness where you and your Posse hang around amongst a variety of homely touches that may include a built in bar, a variety of 'Hoes' and 'Bitches' and at least one pool table. Preferences vary as to the contents of a crib, though pool tables are an agreed necessity. To find a good Crib the requirements are simple. It must be big enough for your Posse, largely isolated and a discrete distance from your local police station. Keep an eye out for elderly relatives who may soon pass away and stake claims on their real-estate in the event of their death. Keep in mind that there must be sufficient parking space for yours and your Posse's wheels (See Step 7).

Step 7: The Wheels. Your ride is an important factor in defining your coolness. If your Ride is 'fully sick' then you stand a greater chance of winning the respect and affections of potential members of your Posse. The actual functionality of your ride plays a very small role in the degree of its' 'wickedness'. Simply ensure that your ride is as visually and audibly offensive as possible. This is known as 'pimping'. To do this, firstly you must enhance your stereo. The quality of the sound produced matters very little so long as it is unbearably loud and bassy. The style of music you play on the speakers is the second most important function, next to the volume. To be cool you must listen exclusively to rap-metal and hip-hop. Song selection should take into account the use of profanities and the absence of meaning and rhyme. Aesthetically, your ride should have as many external lights as possible in addition to cool novelty stickers such as bullet-hole stickers and offensive slogans. Avoid quirky bumper stickers, such as those saying "Baby on board". 

Step 8: Night life. To be cool, every Friday night you must drive around in your pimped up ride past night-clubs, restaurants and other night-spots, driving up next to pedestrians, assessing their level of and "tap"-ability, making indecent proposals and then driving away leaving the pedestrians in a cloud of high octane exhaust. There is little logic behind this activity, though it is, I am assured, the only cool way to spend a Friday night.

Step 9: Money. You do not need money to be cool. In fact, having too much money is considered very uncool. To solve this problem, simply send all your money to this account: 
KALEBWITHERSCOOLSCAM 
BSB 99999 
ACC No. 9999999999999.

Well there you have it, everything you need to be cool. Simply adhere to these 9 rules and you will find yourself abundant in coolness. 

Thankyou for your time and money. I'm Kaleb Withers, self help author and scam artist extra-ordinaire.

Keep it real foo.