Home opens can be very educational experiences. Being inside a home that has been meticulously cleaned and polished for the purpose of masking its flaws and improving its appeal shows us a window into a world which could be our own. A shiny bathroom floor, ornamental fruit in a bowl on the counter, the fragrant scent of pine, gently wafting through the corridor. It's enough to shame even the most proud home-owner. Being in such an ambient, peaceful environment does, however, tend to inspire boredom in those less interested in the subtleties of furniture arrangement and sensible, but stylish decor. The following list is a guide to help you attain that sense of joy we receive from the ecstasy of self-induced entertainment.
1: Make a science project and present it on the kitchen counter/dining room table.
What better way to create intrigue and excitement than by exploring the intricate world of science through the clever use of paper mache, bi-carb soda, food-colouring and vinegar. Demonstrate the wonder of discovery and the innovations of modern science in the comfort of someone elses future home.
2: Have a shower.
Being in a house full of people can be stressful. The constant jostling through tight spaces, the shoulders pushed against yours, the smell of pine mingling with the sweat of 20 people in an enclosed space, it's enough to send a more sensitive person up the wall. So take a load off, cool off in the shower, wash away all the stress and discomfort with soap and warm water. Don't forget to bring a towel. The water mains is usually located at the front of the property, gas on the left side of the outside of the house.
3: Stage a home invasion.
In a lot of ways, home-opens are like really boring parties with no food. The enthusiastic chattering of a real estate agent explaining the virtues of 1970's plumbing and the gentle droning of classical music in background can all get a little bit draining after a while. Why not mix it up a little, add some excitement to the party.
What's more exciting than danger?
Don a balaclava, bring along your baseball bat or switchblade and assault the synthetic tranquility of ideological perfection.
4: Pretend to be a ghost.
Empty houses have a mystery about them, they raise questions about the circumstances of their desolation and the cause for sale. Why not amplify that mystery and build on the suspicions of those more open-minded attendees. Set up and conceal a surround sound system throughout the house, making sure to place a bass emitter in the floorboards, then tell the house guests via broadcast to "Leave this place and never return!" and also that "Death awaits ye in this house", then turn the bass right up and rattle the house. Attach pockets of fake blood to the rear side of paintings and set them to detonate via a remote signal, causing 'blood' to seep through the canvas and trickle down the walls. Alternatively you can simply run around the house wearing a white sheet over your head, shouting "Ooooh Ooooh!"
5: Make a salad.
Display homes are full of things that are fake. Fake fruit, fake bread, fake drawers and cupboards. The art of illusion, it seems, plays the biggest role in the disguises worn by average homes. Don't be taken for a fool. You see through the cheap ploys employed by deceptive people. Show them for what they are. Take a bowl of fake fruit, slice, dice or peel them and arrange them neatly on a plate. Dress them with imitation lemon juice, for added synthenticity and offer them around to fellow home-open attendees.
K
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